Stress-dump

Apr. 7th, 2017 03:45 pm
sheofsilence: a very simple, stylized white kitty on a soft blue background, with a speech bubble that reads, "Meow." (Default)
traveling to the east coast on sunday. terrified out of my wits
To Do:
*Pack*
Meet with Pema Saturday
Eve drives us to the airport


Moving to a new place, whether this works out or not.
To Do:
Nothing. Wait for the background check to clear.
Call management about holding the apartment?
Transfer 500$ to Eve

If the apartment goes through...
schedule with moving company
begin packing, less used stuff first.



Job oh god this place is exhausting and demoralizing I would really like to work at the cute place
sheofsilence: a very simple, stylized white kitty on a soft blue background, with a speech bubble that reads, "Meow." (Default)
When I was a child
was I a child
was I ever- did I ever- is there ever-
such a thing as

child(hood)

what a word. what a world.
loaded with caution and connotation and
the soft silent dread at the end of the day
of waking up tomorrow

my childhood was
a tub of pickles and cheese slices plain
scooby-doo on loop, up loud, so the silence wouldn't find me
video games played like a lifestring like a pulse like a gateway to somewhere anywhere else
no right answers to endless expectations
and a cat tortured past loving

my childhood was
fear and the smell of the runway
the sound of plane engines fighting their own weight
no turning back
but looking back
trying not to look back, just look ahead
alone
not alone
intangible protectors running alongside
white fur and bloodblack wings


my childhood was
sisters and shouting and a room too small for four
beds every-which-way and scattered stories
I was always the oldest and protector
there was always someone from whom we needed to hide

what kind of make-believe is that

it was my make-believe
because it wasn't until college that I would realize

this fucking sucks

this isn't fucking okay

this wasn't okay.

I am not okay.

I am not okay with the way you treated me, treated us.
I am not okay with the way you treated her.
My sole stability, my only advocate, and you treated her like shit.
Yelling, demanding, expecting, refusing
to talk for days on end.
no wonder I was scared of the silence!
demanding so much and providing so little
and it still took me so long to see
it took you shutting me out to see
it took you throwing me to the wolves with out even a wince, or a stutter at the command

Weak, you are.
weak of will, of spirit, of heart, of word.
It isn't that you have nothing to give.
It's that you don't give, even what is free, like
time love compassion attention
listening
you didn't listen

(11)
did you know that I avoided you? I avoided you on shabbat afternoons so that
you wouldn't have the chance to ask me to study
you room felt uncomfortable even then
too much yours, too intimate with someone who still thought of me as a child
(if I ever was)
to be shut in with you, no space, no room to sit
just you and the text that I could
not
read

I still can't read it

It still burns me like plasma,
that I cannot read my own tongue
the language of my heartblood

And you shoved it in my face
weekly
insistently
with a guilt-trip at avoiding the pain of it, avoiding you
do you even know there was pain in it?

as I grew, and my language didn't?
as you struggled to push me, challenge me, make me read, make me read
when I couldn't
you pushed me into nothing but my own pain and insecurities
and here we are

because you don't listen.

when you met Scott, at my bat-mitzva, I remember that you
liked him
the monster who burned happiness alive, who haunted my waking, and
you LIKED him.
had the nerve to say that my mother must be tale-telling, because
you
liked
him

1/?
sheofsilence: a very simple, stylized white kitty on a soft blue background, with a speech bubble that reads, "Meow." (pic#9705713)
how do you tell someone you love them
not in the way of
til death do us part
but rather
til life lives us apart

i guess its a matter of defining your terms

love without connotations
without expectations beyond
safety, nonharm,
and a wish for happiness
and a choice for happiness

it means that I
a being trapped in suffering and pain
find you a comfort
and a warm bright glow
a firefly
in a starless sky

not totally alone
but important to me none the less

Benjamin, I have something to say.
just let me say it.
let me define my terms.

I love you, or rather,
in me there is love for you,
and I'd like to let it grow.

Every being I love gets me closer to true love of the myriad beings
Every moment I can be happy is a gift of its own

this is happiness

happiness is writing a poem
god its been so long
a stream-of-consciousness vienna-teng-fueled god-damn poem

Benjamin,
I promise I didn't plan on falling
I didn't clear out a room in my heart
but then there you were,
and the room was yours.

Because there is so much good in you
so much kindness
and genuineness, and rage
so much of everything you are
and so much of that is good

and I am drawn into the fireflies
because the sky is without stars

Because this is the only way I know to think
I'm just thinking aloud

Benjamin,
I'm scared of ruining this for you
and for me
by saying more then I have to,
by admitting to more then I should

I admit to nothing but I once heard someone wonder
what crosses that line
is there even a line
was it just a line

were you even giving it any time, any thought, anything
for all the heartache I'm giving it

just a line
that line
define (your terms)

terms like
love
secondary relationship

maybe even
us?

and I'm sorry for making it complicated
I just
think too much
and feel too much
and want too much
or at least it feels that way

I want this to work
and I'm bad at waiting
but I will try
because you're worth it to me,
you being in my life now or ever is worth it to me

I will keep remembering impermanence and attachment
(terms already defined)

Oh man Pema come back I need a Buddhism buddy
how do I do this


I want this to work
and I'm bad at doing nothing
so let me do something
let me tell you something
let me tell you about me
let me tell you that I

engage intensely with strong emotions
they do not grow, rather burst forth, fully grown, and still growing and

I love you,
or rather,
in me there is love for you,
and I'd like to let it grow.
sheofsilence: a very simple, stylized white kitty on a soft blue background, with a speech bubble that reads, "Meow." (Default)
figuring out how to be a cashier with adhd
ask for ada accommodations, but what kind
like, making them give me things to do. things that are concrete and productive. or at least let me knit or or or

figuring out how to ochem
i dont know how to memorize things i really dont i dont i am scared and overwhelmed and

playing undertale
but league tho

getting lab report done
getting homework done
working on term project



(aaaaaa)
sheofsilence: a very simple, stylized white kitty on a soft blue background, with a speech bubble that reads, "Meow." (Default)
I didn't want drama I didn't want this I just wanted to be able to exist again and be with my friends again and to let nu nog into that if they wanted and and and why are they yelling at me why are they yelling at me why are they yelling they are yelling I am bad I must be bad that must be why because I am bad and I shouldn't have made the page I shouldn't have made the page I should delete it I should be alone and apart and silent forever then no one will yell at me why why why why I just wanted some little bit of home back
sheofsilence: a very simple, stylized white kitty on a soft blue background, with a speech bubble that reads, "Meow." (Default)
feelin really lonely and wanting to live in a nicer place with enough room for all my animals and a dining room table that is a separate from eve's magic table and a kitchen that can actually house my pots and pans and cookwear and

i really want to buy that sweet black widow and a short tail or blood and i dont have enough space and this apartment is starting to cut into my spooncount

also i should really return the temp gun it does not do the thing i wanted it to do

maybe i'll go look into that rn and pay rent



yeah
sheofsilence: a very simple, stylized white kitty on a soft blue background, with a speech bubble that reads, "Meow." (Default)
WELL THEN

i want to buy tropical hut's black widow (M) and mate him to my Mel (black pastel lesser F). I want it.

black widow - 250 USD and the SOONEST i could get him would be three paychecks from now.
eta: January 2016

Mel is a few months old. the SOONEST i would be willing to CONSIDER breeding her is 4 years from now
eta: January 2020

BUT CONSIDER

THE BABIES http://www.worldofballpythons.com/wizard/&male=33,32,91&female=33,70

EVERY BABY FROM THIS PAIRING WOULD BE STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL

LIKE

3.13% 1/32 Normal
6.26% 2/32 Black Pastel
3.13% 1/32 Lesser
6.26% 2/32 Black Pastel Lesser
3.13% 1/32 Spider
6.26% 2/32 Black Bee
3.13% 1/32 Lesser Bee
6.26% 2/32 Black Lesser Spider
3.13% 1/32 Super Black Pastel
3.13% 1/32 Lesser Super Black Pastel
3.13% 1/32 Pastel
3.13% 1/32 Black Pewter
3.13% 1/32 Lesser Pastel
3.13% 1/32 Black Pewter Lesser
3.13% 1/32 Spider Super Black Pastel
3.13% 1/32 Lesser Spider Super Black Pastel
3.13% 1/32 Bumble Bee
3.13% 1/32 Black Widow
3.13% 1/32 Queen Bee
3.13% 1/32 Black Queen Bee
3.13% 1/32 Black Widow
3.13% 1/32 Silver Web
3.13% 1/32 Black Queen Bee
3.13% 1/32 Pastel Lesser Spider Super Black Pastel
3.13% 1/32 Black Pewter
3.13% 1/32 Roxie Ball
3.13% 1/32 Black Pewter Lesser
3.13% 1/32 Pastel Lesser Super Black Pastel




waaaaaaaant
sheofsilence: a very simple, stylized white kitty on a soft blue background, with a speech bubble that reads, "Meow." (Default)
Response would be great but TAKE Y oUR time pls friend respond when your ready do not rush and pls look after urself u are important and also I really wish I could offer to help with ochem and Alan because it totally get it but I also need this Conversation to happen first so i'Ll wait but yeah take your time

And I'm sorry

This feels really guilt trippy and I don't know what's worse, that this is one of the social problems from your tumblr post and that it's causing you stress that I am causing you stress (I see so many things that can hurt you. I should never have let one of them be me), or that it isn't one of the problems and I just don't matter to you (that's what joren is saying anyway)
sheofsilence: a very simple, stylized white kitty on a soft blue background, with a speech bubble that reads, "Meow." (Default)
Painting painting painting I really love painting and colour and ochem whenitsnotalan hey bride you should take this ochem course it is perf and the prof is great and and and
sheofsilence: a very simple, stylized white kitty on a soft blue background, with a speech bubble that reads, "Meow." (Default)
ok you know what fuck it

i'm going to start my dreamwidth adventure by infodumping and pretending i'm not talking about a specific person and pretending that they arNT THE ONLy one who reads my posts on this site omg i am a sorry excuse of a shitpile

at least on tumblr i am talking to a group of people

here (right now) i am LITERALLY ONLY TALKING TO BIRDE WHY AM I ABOUT TO USE THIS SITE TO VENT/DIARY DUMP ABOUT MY INTERNAL BIRDE DRAMA??? IDFK GREAT IDEA SI

so yeah i dont think i'll give context or explaining i need to just get the thoughts to shut up and i'm just going to put them here instead

well

they have k!n feels about dragon age and dragon age has become really really upsetting to me but i love them and i dont want to hate part of who they are and i'm a bad person for not agreeing with everyone else about cullen and for not wanting to play da2 i'm just so da'd out and i dont WANT to play this game but its becoming to IMPORTANT to someone who is important to me and i'm going to loose you i've already lost you you're already gone what i am doing pretending otherwise and im the one at fault and its my fault because i couldnt think the right thing or at least because i care too much but

its not even about cullen as a person there is no cullen as a person cullen does not exist cannot suffer there is no reality in cullen

but there are people like cullen
there are people whose stories cullen give form to
there are people like me

and if cullen is evil forever (re: mage inquisitor x cullen = horrible how dare you ship) if cullen is not allowed to grow and change and better himself and is not allowed the possibility of forgiveness/acceptence/movement forward (not saying any one person needs to forgive him but PLS STOP TELLING ME I'M BAD for doing so) then fuck

fuck fuck fuck there is not out there is no better there is only this htere is only the pit at the bottom of my stomach and the gnawing ache in my heart and the pain that does not end it does not end it does not quiet or still or sleep it only consumes then fuck i am only ever my worst bits and all the work ive done all the movement ive made all the movement ive FORCED myself to make
doesnt
count

and i'm stuck here forever

and thats what youre making reality
and thats why i cant talk to you havent been responding to anything cant look at you have lost you am loosing you

because i look at cullen and see parts of me and you must hate me but say you dont and im scared im scared im scared im scared

and the reason i havent been to the nog cant go back to the nog is because of not-you, a thing a person said that i cant just get over cant move past alone and it hurts hurts hurts like a cactus spine in the web of my hands a splinter i just cant get out and its infected now and i dont. know. what. to. do. because i am NOT an abuse apologist and i dont CARE that it was said irrationally it HURT and it STUNG and it is FESTERING and they took one of my safest places and made it into rot and decay and i am going to throw up and i dont know how to just not care because i thought they were a friend but they hurt me more then i can even explain (not that i am safe enough in their presence now to even want to explain)

and this is a side point because what i needed to say what ive been avoiding saying is

birde: i think i love you, halfway between romance and kinship, and it hurts

it hurts because the thing that you care most about right now isnt something that has room in it for me. because your special interests used to draw us together and now they bring us apart and that wasnt supposted to be about su but while i'm on the thought

i dont WANT to have wrong views about su but i LIKE the new stuff and i find it emotionally compelling and i miss you loving su and i miss us loving su together it was our first together thing and now we're apart on that too and i'm loosing you i'm loosing all the things we loved but i'm stuck because i already love you and i. dont know what to do. what to say. how to say it.

fuck

i'm gonna go take a shower and maybe cry and maybe skip town and never go online again who am i kidding i love fr too much for that

wlp.

Nov. 4th, 2015 09:19 pm
sheofsilence: a very simple, stylized white kitty on a soft blue background, with a speech bubble that reads, "Meow." (Default)
here i am, i guess. following a birde, which wont actually help with either of my current problems, but we'll see how this goes.

only one promble so far:::

where are all my cute snake pics :( :( :(
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