sheofsilence

ok you know what fuck it

i'm going to start my dreamwidth adventure by infodumping and pretending i'm not talking about a specific person and pretending that they arNT THE ONLy one who reads my posts on this site omg i am a sorry excuse of a shitpile

at least on tumblr i am talking to a group of people

here (right now) i am LITERALLY ONLY TALKING TO BIRDE WHY AM I ABOUT TO USE THIS SITE TO VENT/DIARY DUMP ABOUT MY INTERNAL BIRDE DRAMA??? IDFK GREAT IDEA SI

so yeah i dont think i'll give context or explaining i need to just get the thoughts to shut up and i'm just going to put them here instead

well

they have k!n feels about dragon age and dragon age has become really really upsetting to me but i love them and i dont want to hate part of who they are and i'm a bad person for not agreeing with everyone else about cullen and for not wanting to play da2 i'm just so da'd out and i dont WANT to play this game but its becoming to IMPORTANT to someone who is important to me and i'm going to loose you i've already lost you you're already gone what i am doing pretending otherwise and im the one at fault and its my fault because i couldnt think the right thing or at least because i care too much but

its not even about cullen as a person there is no cullen as a person cullen does not exist cannot suffer there is no reality in cullen

but there are people like cullen
there are people whose stories cullen give form to
there are people like me

and if cullen is evil forever (re: mage inquisitor x cullen = horrible how dare you ship) if cullen is not allowed to grow and change and better himself and is not allowed the possibility of forgiveness/acceptence/movement forward (not saying any one person needs to forgive him but PLS STOP TELLING ME I'M BAD for doing so) then fuck

fuck fuck fuck there is not out there is no better there is only this htere is only the pit at the bottom of my stomach and the gnawing ache in my heart and the pain that does not end it does not end it does not quiet or still or sleep it only consumes then fuck i am only ever my worst bits and all the work ive done all the movement ive made all the movement ive FORCED myself to make
doesnt
count

and i'm stuck here forever

and thats what youre making reality
and thats why i cant talk to you havent been responding to anything cant look at you have lost you am loosing you

because i look at cullen and see parts of me and you must hate me but say you dont and im scared im scared im scared im scared

and the reason i havent been to the nog cant go back to the nog is because of not-you, a thing a person said that i cant just get over cant move past alone and it hurts hurts hurts like a cactus spine in the web of my hands a splinter i just cant get out and its infected now and i dont. know. what. to. do. because i am NOT an abuse apologist and i dont CARE that it was said irrationally it HURT and it STUNG and it is FESTERING and they took one of my safest places and made it into rot and decay and i am going to throw up and i dont know how to just not care because i thought they were a friend but they hurt me more then i can even explain (not that i am safe enough in their presence now to even want to explain)

and this is a side point because what i needed to say what ive been avoiding saying is

birde: i think i love you, halfway between romance and kinship, and it hurts

it hurts because the thing that you care most about right now isnt something that has room in it for me. because your special interests used to draw us together and now they bring us apart and that wasnt supposted to be about su but while i'm on the thought

i dont WANT to have wrong views about su but i LIKE the new stuff and i find it emotionally compelling and i miss you loving su and i miss us loving su together it was our first together thing and now we're apart on that too and i'm loosing you i'm loosing all the things we loved but i'm stuck because i already love you and i. dont know what to do. what to say. how to say it.

fuck

i'm gonna go take a shower and maybe cry and maybe skip town and never go online again who am i kidding i love fr too much for that