vienna teng and late night thoughts

[sheofsilence]

how do you tell someone you love them
not in the way of
til death do us part
but rather
til life lives us apart

i guess its a matter of defining your terms

love without connotations
without expectations beyond
safety, nonharm,
and a wish for happiness
and a choice for happiness

it means that I
a being trapped in suffering and pain
find you a comfort
and a warm bright glow
a firefly
in a starless sky

not totally alone
but important to me none the less

Benjamin, I have something to say.
just let me say it.
let me define my terms.

I love you, or rather,
in me there is love for you,
and I'd like to let it grow.

Every being I love gets me closer to true love of the myriad beings
Every moment I can be happy is a gift of its own

this is happiness

happiness is writing a poem
god its been so long
a stream-of-consciousness vienna-teng-fueled god-damn poem

Benjamin,
I promise I didn't plan on falling
I didn't clear out a room in my heart
but then there you were,
and the room was yours.

Because there is so much good in you
so much kindness
and genuineness, and rage
so much of everything you are
and so much of that is good

and I am drawn into the fireflies
because the sky is without stars

Because this is the only way I know to think
I'm just thinking aloud

Benjamin,
I'm scared of ruining this for you
and for me
by saying more then I have to,
by admitting to more then I should

I admit to nothing but I once heard someone wonder
what crosses that line
is there even a line
was it just a line

were you even giving it any time, any thought, anything
for all the heartache I'm giving it

just a line
that line
define (your terms)

terms like
love
secondary relationship

maybe even
us?

and I'm sorry for making it complicated
I just
think too much
and feel too much
and want too much
or at least it feels that way

I want this to work
and I'm bad at waiting
but I will try
because you're worth it to me,
you being in my life now or ever is worth it to me

I will keep remembering impermanence and attachment
(terms already defined)

Oh man Pema come back I need a Buddhism buddy
how do I do this


I want this to work
and I'm bad at doing nothing
so let me do something
let me tell you something
let me tell you about me
let me tell you that I

engage intensely with strong emotions
they do not grow, rather burst forth, fully grown, and still growing and

I love you,
or rather,
in me there is love for you,
and I'd like to let it grow.